I started using drugs when I was 12. Well, I guess I had my first drink of alcohol at about age 5, champagne as part of a New Year's Celebration. But the first time I intentionally used drugs as a means of escape was at age 12. I began with the heavier stuff like pain pills, marijuana and meth, then very quickly moved onto drinking alcohol, dropping acid and huffing whatever would get me high. Cigarettes were in there somewhere as well. By the time I was 15, I was a full blown alcoholic, getting kicked out of school for showing up drunk, and even running away from home, sleeping in an old abandoned house I had found during the winter. Getting arrested was nothing new to me. For some reason I found great favor in the court system and fortunately never spent any time in Juvenile Detention, like many of my friends did.
I began using drugs as a means of escape from the emotional pain and hopelessness I had encountered during life. As I graduated high school and moved out on my own, I sold drugs to support my habits and began to drink heavily every day. One binge lasting for a year and half. I didn't know that there was anything else better than the life I was living, and I didn't want to stop. It wasn't until I strangled my best friend, one drunken night- that I realized not only did I have a problem, but I wanted to stop.
I needed help.
I went to jail that time for a short while, and then faithfully attended mandatory AA classes, where I learned the hopeless message of once an addict, always an addict. I met with an older woman who shared her story of being a cocaine addict. Sober 20 years now, she informed me that if the drug was in front of her, she would lose all resolve and relapse- losing everything she had worked toward. I remember walking down the street after speaking with this lady, feigning tremendously toward the drugs that had once consumed my body, and feeling like I was in Hell. I decided if there was no hope of ever being free from this- then I would simply give in, get high, and at least enjoy my life to some degree. There was nothing worse than the intense cravings I suffered, and if that lady was right- I would always be like that. I went back to using drugs, though not fully. I worked two full time jobs to try and stay out of trouble, but life got really boring, really quick. After about a year, I found myself drinking and selling drugs again.
Then I met a guy and soon became pregnant. Being a mom was everything to me! I had a message burned on my heart to break the cycle and raise my children differently! I thought I would be different once I became a mother. I thought I could stop doing drugs for my children. I found myself one day, waking up when my baby was 9 months old, high on meth and hung over. I hadn't seen my child in 3 days- Grandma was taking care of her while we partied. I wanted out, desperately. I left my child's father and moved in with my parents, and for two years worked hard at getting back on my feet. I moved out again on my own, and soon found myself in yet again, more trouble. This time, heroin was involved.
I can't quite explain the chain of events that occurred next, you really had to have been there to understand- but I had been trying so hard to be a 'Good Mom', and a 'Good Person'. But no matter how hard I tried, I kept ending up right where I had started. Everywhere I turned, there was failure. I tried joining the Air Guard in hopes of getting some sort of discipline and purpose into my life, but was quickly turned away due to my drug use. Right in the middle of a war, and not even the military would take me.
The emptiness I felt was unbearable, and I gave up all resolve. What was the point?
I became pregnant again.
After my son was born, I suffered from post-partum depression so badly, that I couldn't keep a job. I could barely get out of bed and I did everything I could to keep a steady supply of pain pills coming. They were the only things keeping me going. I so desperately wanted to live a normal, happy life and be a normal, happy mom. I had no support, no help, no peace, no hope.
I sat on my back porch one day, unable to work, unable to take care of my kids, and about to have nowhere to live. Then it hit me. Drugs were NOT the answer. No matter how much I had, I would never be content. I would never be satisfied or fulfilled.
I had heard once of a God who loved beyond all measure, a God who had a plan for us that was for good. All my life I tried to be good enough for Him. But everything I did, I failed at. I had nothing to offer, and I didn't want to live. I figured my kids were better off without me. Anything had to have been better than what I was giving them. I looked up at the sky, and said, "God, this cannot be Your plan for my life. I can't do anything for You. If you want me here- You gotta to fix me.."
Eight days later, I found myself in a life-giving church where I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
I learned that day that God loves me -despite my constant failure- so much that He sent His only Son to take my sin and past away.
I learned that day, that I did the things I did, because I was a sinner. I wasn't a sinner because of what I did.
I learned that day, that Jesus was the Only way.
I learned that if I repented, and turned from my sin, He would forgive me and cleanse me of all unrighteousness.
I learned that Jesus had been knocking on the door of my heart, waiting for me to let Him in.
I had heard once of a God who loved beyond all measure, a God who had a plan for us that was for good. All my life I tried to be good enough for Him. But everything I did, I failed at. I had nothing to offer, and I didn't want to live. I figured my kids were better off without me. Anything had to have been better than what I was giving them. I looked up at the sky, and said, "God, this cannot be Your plan for my life. I can't do anything for You. If you want me here- You gotta to fix me.."
Eight days later, I found myself in a life-giving church where I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
I learned that day that God loves me -despite my constant failure- so much that He sent His only Son to take my sin and past away.
I learned that day, that I did the things I did, because I was a sinner. I wasn't a sinner because of what I did.
I learned that day, that Jesus was the Only way.
I learned that if I repented, and turned from my sin, He would forgive me and cleanse me of all unrighteousness.
I learned that Jesus had been knocking on the door of my heart, waiting for me to let Him in.
I made a decision to let Him in.
Over the course of the next 6 months, I fought hard against the lie of addiction against my life. I would rip up my cigarettes, only to find myself at the store four hours later buying another pack. I knew it was a waste of money, but there something different about me. I had hope of freedom from this miserable life, and I had a new strength within me that would not allow me to give up. I had been trying all these years to do it in my own strength, but apart from Christ, I could do nothing.
I finally beat addiction that May of 2007. I have not touched drugs since. The high I have in the Lord is much greater than any drug I ever did! I am still human, and sometimes depression or emptiness try to come back- but when that happens, I turn to the Lord and He delivers me. I know He will comfort me like no drug has ever been able to.
John 8:36 says that who the Son sets free, is truly free. I am not a recovering addict- I am recovered!
2 Corinthians 5:17 states that anyone who belongs to Christ becomes a new person. When I see or smell people smoking, I barely even remember that I used to do it myself. It's as if it is a distant memory of someone I used to know...Christ has traded places with me, taking my sin and shame, and giving me instead His hope, peace and righteousness! And I will be leaving a new legacy for my children! There has even been times where I was prescribed narcotic medications for minor surgeries or broken bones. I was concerned that if I took those pills, I would fall right back into those same habits. But the Lord told me that He would walk me through. I took these medications with no relapses- their 'highs' were nothing compared to what I had in Christ!
Over the course of the next 6 months, I fought hard against the lie of addiction against my life. I would rip up my cigarettes, only to find myself at the store four hours later buying another pack. I knew it was a waste of money, but there something different about me. I had hope of freedom from this miserable life, and I had a new strength within me that would not allow me to give up. I had been trying all these years to do it in my own strength, but apart from Christ, I could do nothing.
I finally beat addiction that May of 2007. I have not touched drugs since. The high I have in the Lord is much greater than any drug I ever did! I am still human, and sometimes depression or emptiness try to come back- but when that happens, I turn to the Lord and He delivers me. I know He will comfort me like no drug has ever been able to.
John 8:36 says that who the Son sets free, is truly free. I am not a recovering addict- I am recovered!
2 Corinthians 5:17 states that anyone who belongs to Christ becomes a new person. When I see or smell people smoking, I barely even remember that I used to do it myself. It's as if it is a distant memory of someone I used to know...Christ has traded places with me, taking my sin and shame, and giving me instead His hope, peace and righteousness! And I will be leaving a new legacy for my children! There has even been times where I was prescribed narcotic medications for minor surgeries or broken bones. I was concerned that if I took those pills, I would fall right back into those same habits. But the Lord told me that He would walk me through. I took these medications with no relapses- their 'highs' were nothing compared to what I had in Christ!
I knew then that I was truly free... There is hope after addiction- and once an addict, always an addict is a lie!
I am a new creation, I am free- and you can be free, too!
I am a new creation, I am free- and you can be free, too!
No comments:
Post a Comment