Sunday, October 23, 2016

Ugh! Boundaries Who Needs Them?

Something that I have not been good at is setting boundaries...What is a boundary? A boundary is when someone oversteps your wishes.  An example of this would be, You have a friend who ask you if they can come over.  You tell them no because you are sick.  They show up unannounced with some chicken noodle soup.  At first glance this seems innocent and you should feel thankful.  Instead you are annoyed. Why? It is because you don't feel good and you said no.  No means no right? The person who brought the soup probably does not even realized they crossed a boundary.  They in their minds eye was doing the right thing, well they are not. How to avoid this from happening is to be gentle but firm with them.  Hey, thanks for bringing the soup over, but next time please call first.  (even though they already had) Another thing you could say is, "I know you meant well but it is really important to me that you honor my wishes.  You don't need to go into a long explanation, keep it simple and emotion free,  You even might have to have this conversation with them a time or two.

  So with all this being said, I am learning to say no and mean it.  I am learning to say no and not feel guilty about it.  I am always the one who says no, then I feel guilty about less than two seconds later.  I then call the person up and turn my no to a yes.  Then I spend the next hour or so silently yelling at myself for being wishy washy.

I am also learning to not let other people manipulate me.  Meaning that I don't always have to change my plans to fit their last minute lack of planning.  Too be honest, I know I need to give grace and be flexible with my schedule.  You see in the past someone would ask me to do something, and I would rearrange my schedule to make what they needed done work.  In the process I would become frustrated and lose my peace on so many levels.  Lesson learned!  I don't have to rearrange everything to accommodate them.  All I need to say is sorry this does not work for me, I wish I could help. It is even okay to say something like, "If I would have had a little notice, I could have helped you".

One thing that needs to be done when you say no to someone, say it with a good attitude and grace. The nicer you say things the better it will be received.  If it is that "certain" person that keeps pushing your boundaries, you might have to have a come to Jesus meeting with them.  Basically let them know you value their friendship.  When they don't honor your boundaries it is putting a strain on it.  Gently and firmly explain how you feel.  The part of this conversation is to listen to their response.  I always tell my kids listen with your ears not your mouth.  One suggestion I would make, it to say a prayer with them before talking with them.  Yes, it might get intense for a minute, but hang in there hold your ground and just listen to them.  Understand they might not realize what they are doing.  Another thing I would always tell my kids, "If I don't know it is broken, I can't fix it".  Communication and understanding plays a huge rule when you are tackling hard conversations with those who are close to you.  I also suggest that you take the matter to the Lord before you talk with tthem.  Ask the Lord to show you ways in which you can be humble.  Ask the Lord ways in which you should change, and ask Him to help you stand your ground,  As always thanks for reading and letting me share, Just My 2cents, Missie