My world comes crashing down around me, yet in the darkest
valley, they still need me and I get up, responding to their needs and putting
my own aside.
Sacrifices made go unnoticed and their ungratefulness
pierces my heart like a dagger.
“You don’t love me!”
The knife twists. If you only knew how much I love you, like
I’ve never loved anyone, so much that it hurts.
Memories wash over me and I’m back at that moment when he first
came into this world. I remember how every agonizing moment of pregnancy and
labor was instantly forgotten and I’m amazed, once again, by the beauty of it
all. Where did I go wrong?
“Why don’t you cook
something I like?”
Feelings of failure cripple me as I pause, look at my
children, and wish I could be so much more for them.
Three years post cancer-diagnosis and I am still exhausted
all the time. I am not the mother that I long to be. They don’t even remember
what I was like before. They were so young.
“Why don’t you ever
play with us? Why can’t you be fun like Daddy?”
Tears burn in my eyes and I look away. I’m so tired. So
unbelievably tired. And they are just too young to understand.
No more field trips and adventures. No more intricate meals with
secretly hidden vegetables made to taste delicious. No more story books at
bedtime or enriching activities. No more charts that transform chores into
games. No more consistency in anything.
Aren’t these the things that make me a good mom?
Parenting has changed me. It has exposed my heart, revealing
all that is inside and leaving me raw and vulnerable. My weaknesses and
character flaws are exposed and brought into the light. And I want more than
anything to save my children from them, from all my mistakes and shortcomings.
I fall to my knees, desperate and humble, knowing there is
only one place left to go. What I find there is not what I expect. I expect God
to heal me and make me strong. I expect him to make me into my image of the
perfect mom. I cry, “Do it Lord! For their sake!”
“Three times I pleaded
with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is
sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will
boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest
on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in
hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am
strong.”
~ 2 Cor. 12:8-10
Do I dare believe this? As I take the step of faith, the
perfectionist in me gasps for air and takes its dying breath. I find grace. And
I yield to His will.
…
He comes into my room and tucks me into bed, hugging his little body tightly to mine.
“I love you more than sugar
cubes and popsicles!”
He’s learned to comfort those who are weak.
”Mom, can I make
dinner so you can rest?”
He’s learned to serve.
“I want to be a mommy
when I grow up – just like you. Except I want to be a mommy princess that lives
in a tower.”
She admires me. Not because of all the wonderful things I do
for her, but because I am with her,
all the time.
They don’t need a perfect childhood or perfect parents.
They need to know I’m on their side.
They need to know that God is there in the darkest times.
They need to know life doesn't always go the way we want.
They need to see what depending on the Lord really looks
like.
They need to know where to run when they fail.
And they need to learn that it is in their weakness that
God’s power is made perfect.
Not in their good works. Not in their success. Not in their
perfectionism.
But in their weakness.
And there they will find God’s grace.
Thank you Stephanie Lasaster for sharing your heart with us. What an amazing journey God has brought you through. ~Jennifer and Missie
Thank you Stephanie Lasaster for sharing your heart with us. What an amazing journey God has brought you through. ~Jennifer and Missie
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